Whenever given the opportunity to add a remote control to our life my computer scientist husband does so enthusiastically.
Remote controls give me anxiety. Invariably they leave me feeling frustrated, out of control, and encourage me to drink. My drink of choice is a mojito, which frankly is a bit complicated to make in a rage. Leading to even more frustration when I cannot get the stereo receiver to turn on, and Spotify to play my favorite calming music because I can only find one of the three remote controls necessary. It is amazing our marriage has survived this incompatibility for more than two decades.
My husband does make an excellent mojito though.
Growing up in the 70s remote controls were not a part of my everyday life. If you wanted to turn on the TV you got off the couch, walked across the room, pushed the on/off button, and shook the rabbit ear antennae often wrapped in aluminum foil until an image appeared. Sometimes you might have to shake the entire TV a little to get the fuzz to clear. If you wanted to change the channel you walked back to the TV and turned the big round knob. Since we only had 3 or 4 channels this did not take too long. Life was simple.
By the 80’s the TV’s rabbit ears were replaced, and you might have one remote control everyone fought over if your family was lucky enough to have cable TV. What we did not realize is that remote controls are like gremlins. If you feed and water them they are going to duplicate and try to take over the world.
Today it would be unheard of to buy a TV that does not come with a remote control of some sort. How else would you scroll through three thousand channels or apps on your home screen menu to find the perfect distraction or digital entertainment to watch on your biggest screen in the house?
We currently have remote controls to turn on our lights, each of our ceiling fans in our home, and at least 3 remotes for each of our 3 TVs. One remote for the TV itself, another for the Direct TV box just in case the TV remote cannot recognize it, and one for each Apple TV box connected to each of our TVs, so we can access and watch all our movie subscriptions and digital entertainment on any given screen desired. All of the remote controls look similar, and none are labeled to clearly indicate which room they belong in or which device they control. To figure that out you must wander back through the house pointing the remote control in question at random stuff to see if anything happens when you push the power button (if you can locate the power button). Of course, if nothing happens it could be because it has not been charged properly on one of the 15 charging stations also scattered randomly throughout the house. None of which can been found in our liquor cabinet, which is likely where I will end up.
If my GenZ kids cannot find a remote control to turn something on they simply assume the device is unusable and leave the room to find a different screen. Remote controls don’t scare them as they have not known a life without them, but manually pushing buttons on a device bigger than a remote is simply too much to ask. I can smell the fear and see the anxiety in their eyes whenever I suggest we just walk over and push the on button on the box or screen in question.
To be honest I’m not entirely sure where the on button is for our TVs either. Apparently to accommodate this new generation and their FOMB (fear of manual buttons) many of the new TVs and device manufacturers have decided that hiding or eliminating all buttons is the best solution. Ironically the marketing materials do not highlight the fact that this “sleek” and “simple” design requires you to program and use an extremely complicated remote control with even more buttons.
All of our remote controls have different user interfaces, so you must re-learn how they work when you find the one that controls the device of interest. My husband did purchase universal remote controls so we could consolidate, but they are not really universal because they only work for some of the devices all of the time, and only one TV at a time. To program this universal device you must have at least one computer scientist living in the house.
In addition to these remote controls I have a handful of apps (which are just on demand remote controls) on my smart phone and iPad to manage and see our Ring security system, our music, our Roomba vacuum, and our movie subscriptions. The only thing we do not currently have access to remotely is our sprinkler system. This is because I won that upgrade argument by pointing out to my husband that he travels more than I do. Logically, if I cannot turn off a broken sprinkler manually, or before making myself a drink to calm my nerves when he is out of town, it could cost us thousands on our water bill. This would in turn limit the number of remote controls we can afford to buy and replace, and increase the marriage counseling sessions that would follow.
Recently we purchased an Instant Pot, the latest trendy cooking appliance everybody must have, that also has a WiFi App. I will confess this was one app I thought might be a good idea to have on my smart phone, probably after one too many mojitos.
Of course, we have never actually cooked remotely. That would take far too much planning and preparation as the app cannot yet open the freezer, take the meat out, un-package it and put all the required ingredients in the Instant Pot. That would require a robot, and yet another remote control and app to learn to use. The good news is I do have an app to have my groceries delivered to our home without having to leave and cook remotely, or drive after all the drinking I’m doing.
This grocery app along with the Instant Pot app looks remarkably similar to dozens of additional apps on my iPhone. Guaranteeing that if I do ever need the Instant Pot app, or any other app for that matter, I will have no idea which one it is. Luckily all I have to do is launch the search UI and try to remember the exact name of the device or service to locate it. Usually this requires me to call my husband and rant for a while because obviously if it weren’t for him I would not have all these damn apps.
Once again, I just need a little music to relax after all this stress.
Unfortunately, in order to listen to music throughout my home I have to turn on the Apple TV with a remote control. Find my iPad or my smart phone. Launch the Spotify App that currently cannot be found on my TV UI. Find and or create a radio station using the UI within the app on my iPad, and finally locate and click the little link on the iPad screen inside the Spotify UI that lets me connect to the Apple TV. Usually the speakers connected to the TV and wired throughout my home do not automatically turn on after doing all of this. So, I have to find the help button on the universal remote control and make my way through at least half a dozen additional screens on the remote control asking me whether each device throughout my home is on. When the app asks me about each device I have to physically locate it to determine the answer. For some reason I can never remember which black box is the receiver and which one is the DVR due to the ridiculously sleek design. Once I figure this out I must find the tiny little lights on the front of the control panel of each box to see if they are green or red, and respectively click yes or no on the remote control app.
This is when I typically give up and just push all the buttons on all the boxes I can find. Now I have confused my remote control and it no longer responds until it can be fully reprogrammed by pushing the “help” button and answering 25 more questions.
The logical solution to this is to shout at my husband. At which point he makes me a mojito.